Plastic.Fake smiles and pretty clothes from people who know you hardly and care even less.
That was what her Quinceanera was. But despite all the girls hiding under heels and makeup, I actually had fun.
I usually don't at parties, I'm fairly shy and like to hang around my close friends for the most part. But I actually felt pretty in my dress and lively (after we all drank that "punch") and I danced. I've never really "danced" at a dance before, more swaying and jumping up in down, but I danced (ish..). And I sang to the songs, and it was fun. It was really fun.
I actually genuinely had a good time. And looking back at people's facebook's posts, I know that some of my classmates didn't. Some were like me, and had a ton of fun. But some just felt awkward (like I have at many parties) and that is one of the issues that I would like to address today.
Awkwardness around peers, and awkwardness at dances, etc. For me, as a fifteen year old girl, most of the time, I feel like I walk around with Fat, Short, Ugly Loser stamped on my forehead. I also think everyone is constantly staring at me of all people, and that everyone is shaking their heads in utter silence and disgust because of something I did or some way that I danced or something that I said to someone obscure like myself.
That's how I feel. Most of the time, anyway. And you can be sure, that this doesn't always get the most positive outcome out of me. Or the most positive feelings about past dances/peer confrontations.
I'm not one for drama, but I like a little spice in my life. And awkwardness diminishes whatever drama or spice that would be in my life, and that's why I hate it, and that's why I hang around with all my close friends (because, normally, I'm not as awkward around them as I am around tall skinny brunettes with fake lashes and tweezed eyebrows (even though a good tweezing is something even I like every now and again)).
But awkwardness sucks. It's shitty and it just make my day horrible. When I don't know what to say or (worse) I say nothing at all, I just stand their staring a people that I feel are prettier than me.
So awkwardness sucks.
We can pretty certainly establish this as one of my Facts of Life.
But here are some tips, that I find, help me at parties (and help me diminish by overwhelming awkwardness around the general populace).
And I'm sorry that they're not genuine. A lot of people don't act like themselves or (often) they trade their personalities in so they can have a good time or nice night. I'm naturally a stiff, but I don't want to be that at parties, so I smile too much and dance too much and overcompensate. But, then again, so does everyone else, so I guess I kind of fit in (or awkwardly stand out, who knows?)
Tips:
1. Smile. It doesn't matter if your not happy. People don't hang around other people with big frowns on their faces.
2. Spend as much time with the life (or in many cases, lives) of the party. It doesn't matter if you aren't friends with them. Try to hang around them (or be the life of the party yourself, but don't make yourself look stupid. Know your limits and work within them. Eventually people will associate you higher and higher up the food chain, but you have to take baby steps. No one goes from nothing to someone overnight. Just remember baby steps, don't look stupid, don't act stupid-- unless that's something your school's or grade or friends/acquaintances are into.)
3. DON'T cross your arms. It makes you look self conscious and no one likes hanging around a person that hates themselves because usually it's a drag. If you are really self conscious and you don't want to dance in front of people, grab some close enough friends and drag them over to get food or cake or drinks.
4. DON'T hang around by yourself. Always have someone with you. It looks like your a loner if your hanging around in the corner. If you really have no one, snap out your phone and text (or pretend to text if you REALLY have no one. But if you REALLY have no one or none of your friends are responding remember-- new friends, or people who don't know you, don't know that you might have some quirks that shew your classmates away, so try to be positive and work with your best traits to try to gain some new friends)
5. DON'T make any love confessions. It's tacky. And annoying.
6. DO if your crushing on someone, ask them to dance. It doesn't have to be a serious slow dance, because you never know if their into you or not. I didn't even ask a guy to dance. I grabbed my friends hands, jumped up and down a little (cool me), then when we separated, I grabbed his hands like it was nothing (like my friend's) and jumped up and down. I still danced with my crush, but I didn't make him feel uncomfortable, because it was something everyone was doing.
7. If someone you don't know says hey to you, say hey back. Conversation is the best way to avoid awkwardness. But you don't have to stop and talk to them for thirty minutes, because that can back fire and make both of you uncomfortable. Conversation is good, but you have to work your way up to being friends with a stranger/just an acquaintance.
8. Tell someone that they look "cute" or "handsome" even if they really don't. Flattery is the best way to get to someone's heart, and they'll like you for the better of it.
9. BEFORE going to the party CHECK THE MIRROR AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH. No one wants to snog with disgusting breath.
10. BEFORE going to the party make sure that your friends or going (or better yet, get a ride with one of your friends. This gets you close to your friend (you could spend the night or talk on the way over) and it also make you (at least me) feel less awkward walking into a party full of dancing/talking already people.
Those are some of the tips that always help me out when I'm at a loss.
And girls, bring a clutch. A bulky purse isn't cute with a dress. I got a plain (small) black clutch at a thrift store for two dollars. They don't have to be Coach (but then again, branding helps depending on your school) but something small and cute is something people comment on or compliment.
And things to bring in the clutch, you may or may not be asking?
Well here's what I brought:
1. My Permit (not that I really needed it)
2. Lipgloss (Stolen Kisses from NARS)
3. A compact mirror from Ulta
4. My cell phone (OF COURSE)
5. The invitation to the party
6. Money (I didn't need it, but you never know)
Hope it helps!
Caitlin's Quote of the Day: "Life may not be the party we hope for, but while we're here we might as well dance." -Similar Quotes
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Fat
You tell me: I'm five one and hundred and twenty pounds. Is that fat? I'm not sure.
I've struggled with my weight (like a lot of teenagers do, and a lot of teenagers don't, you just have to figure out what category you fall into) for my entire life. Or, scratch that. The entirety of my life that I remember, aka probably starting around the age of nine.
Around the age of nine, my mom said me down and outright told me: "You're overweight, you need to lose weight." And that's how it started. I remember not caring one minute and suddenly caring the next because what seemed to happen overnight was that everyone was staring at me, everyone was whispering and snickering and pointing at me the big lug. And after skinny best friends ditched me and new plumper friends took their places, I decided one thing: I'm tired of this shit. I'm going to be skinny.
I'm not anorexic, let's just get one thing straight. I've never been severely underweight and I've never resembled a skeleton in the least.
But I have been thinner, ninety nine pounds, five one. That's what I was after the summer of my "crash diet". Why I call it this instead of anorexia is because it wasn't a permanent thing. It was more like I was insane than had a eating disorder; a voice in my head, or maybe my own voice, constantly telling me: don't eat that... you'll get faaaatttt....
And so I didn't eat it. I didn't eat, at all actually, and I quickly dropped forty two pounds and became my slim-self that I remember so fondly.
I wasn't happy, though.
And... in that unhappiness I did some things I'm not proud of. I hurt some people, I hurt myself, maybe. And I feel like I should tell you this, because, to put it simply, no one knows my whole story.
I know in my introduction I said I was going to start out small and work my way up, but a defining characteristic of me is that I'm body conscious, and I think defining characteristics are important enough to put on this blog. They're simple enough things, right?
And this body consciousness doesn't make me special (or happy), because so many teens are looking down at themselves and feeling unhappy (and some aren't, granted, I don't want to leave anybody out), and because instead of food my anger filled my stomach.
It grew inside me like a tumor, getting bigger with every meal I skipped.
All the while, encouragement from my family and friends "You're looking good!" kept me going. This anger, though, still was silent. It kept itself silent from struggle that I had...
And I don't want to be dramatic. I'm probably rewriting history, over dramatizing things that shouldn't be over dramatized.
But I thought you should know that my body is one of my simple, defining characteristics that I wanted share with some body, before I forget it.
And today, why I'm talking about this, is one of my "wow, I'm feeling crappy" days where I reflect on the "shittiest" time periods in my life (which don't compare to some other people's "crappy" times, but I don't want to be in the business of comparison, so I'll shut up if you will).
Today I'm going to a Quinceanera. I don't want to go, I don't know the person that well, and I'm scared. I think I look fat in my dress and I think that I feel that unhappiness swelling again, that food-aching anger-building furiousness that lost me friends and gained me enemies.
I feel like this is going to be the worst night ever.
I hope not.
I'll let you guys know tomorrow. I'll rate it? Yeah! Rating it, on a scale of one to ten sounds good. Well, I hope you guys had a good Saturday. I got some clothes (by the way) at Forever 21! I hate it when my mom says "eh" though, instead of "You look so pretty in that!" I think it would make me feel a little better, but I'm not blaming her. I'm just putting her as a contribution to a sadness that I already had inside me.
Life sucks sometimes :(
But this too shall pass!
Caitlin's Quote of the Day: "May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past." - Irish Blessings
I've struggled with my weight (like a lot of teenagers do, and a lot of teenagers don't, you just have to figure out what category you fall into) for my entire life. Or, scratch that. The entirety of my life that I remember, aka probably starting around the age of nine.
Around the age of nine, my mom said me down and outright told me: "You're overweight, you need to lose weight." And that's how it started. I remember not caring one minute and suddenly caring the next because what seemed to happen overnight was that everyone was staring at me, everyone was whispering and snickering and pointing at me the big lug. And after skinny best friends ditched me and new plumper friends took their places, I decided one thing: I'm tired of this shit. I'm going to be skinny.
I'm not anorexic, let's just get one thing straight. I've never been severely underweight and I've never resembled a skeleton in the least.
But I have been thinner, ninety nine pounds, five one. That's what I was after the summer of my "crash diet". Why I call it this instead of anorexia is because it wasn't a permanent thing. It was more like I was insane than had a eating disorder; a voice in my head, or maybe my own voice, constantly telling me: don't eat that... you'll get faaaatttt....
And so I didn't eat it. I didn't eat, at all actually, and I quickly dropped forty two pounds and became my slim-self that I remember so fondly.
I wasn't happy, though.
And... in that unhappiness I did some things I'm not proud of. I hurt some people, I hurt myself, maybe. And I feel like I should tell you this, because, to put it simply, no one knows my whole story.
I know in my introduction I said I was going to start out small and work my way up, but a defining characteristic of me is that I'm body conscious, and I think defining characteristics are important enough to put on this blog. They're simple enough things, right?
And this body consciousness doesn't make me special (or happy), because so many teens are looking down at themselves and feeling unhappy (and some aren't, granted, I don't want to leave anybody out), and because instead of food my anger filled my stomach.
It grew inside me like a tumor, getting bigger with every meal I skipped.
All the while, encouragement from my family and friends "You're looking good!" kept me going. This anger, though, still was silent. It kept itself silent from struggle that I had...
And I don't want to be dramatic. I'm probably rewriting history, over dramatizing things that shouldn't be over dramatized.
But I thought you should know that my body is one of my simple, defining characteristics that I wanted share with some body, before I forget it.
And today, why I'm talking about this, is one of my "wow, I'm feeling crappy" days where I reflect on the "shittiest" time periods in my life (which don't compare to some other people's "crappy" times, but I don't want to be in the business of comparison, so I'll shut up if you will).
Today I'm going to a Quinceanera. I don't want to go, I don't know the person that well, and I'm scared. I think I look fat in my dress and I think that I feel that unhappiness swelling again, that food-aching anger-building furiousness that lost me friends and gained me enemies.
I feel like this is going to be the worst night ever.
I hope not.
I'll let you guys know tomorrow. I'll rate it? Yeah! Rating it, on a scale of one to ten sounds good. Well, I hope you guys had a good Saturday. I got some clothes (by the way) at Forever 21! I hate it when my mom says "eh" though, instead of "You look so pretty in that!" I think it would make me feel a little better, but I'm not blaming her. I'm just putting her as a contribution to a sadness that I already had inside me.
Life sucks sometimes :(
But this too shall pass!
Caitlin's Quote of the Day: "May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past." - Irish Blessings
Friday, February 25, 2011
Hello!
Wow, that sounded perky.
Hello...
That sounded too deep. I feel like a guy going through puberty now. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
But I am a girl. A born and bred southern girl without an accent (think Ohio) and with an education that beats up on the standard because my parents put careers over kids and had us late (late thirties early forties).
... And I kind of feel like putting a long introductory paragraph here where I highlight my most traditional and heart felt beliefs, but being an educated teenage girl, I think that would be too dramatic and would reveal things about myself that I'm not comfortable "revealing" just yet.
So, let's start small. With introductions, I mean. We can work our way up, and then eventually, maybe, I'll even consider us friends.
Maybe. I'm hard to please on that front, unfortunately for me. Awkward and hard to please. And that is not a good combination in high school, let me tell you.
But that's not small! That's... not small at all. Well, I guess you couldn't really leave out the adjective "awkward" when describing most normal teenage girls (aka not MTV made hormonal preggers).
But moving on with the show! That's probably what your thinking.
I guess I could tell you my age? That's pretty small. It's a number I'm stuck with; one that you're stuck with too, so don't be snobby about it when I tell it to you.
I'm fifteen.
Yes, fifteen.
Well into my teenage years (somewhat), but also I have a lot left to discover (in some form or another). And I want to document those discoveries. I know that it maybe unimportant (most likely) and that if I ever run for president this blog will come back to bite me in the ass.
But I just wanted to let you know, you reader, yes YOU (well not you... but... yes you! *lame attempt at a joke over*) that I'm here.You don't have to care, or read on, but I wish you would.
Because the first thing I want to talk about besides introductions is how shitty it is sometime. I'm not just complaining as a lazy teenage girl, but seriously.
Life can be shitty.
It's just a fact.
For anyone, let me try to list everyone here, babies, toddlers, tweens, teens, young adults, middle-aged adults, older adults, and just plain old people. And remember that despite the appearance of those younger or older than you, everyone is just a shell. Most of the time, we emulate the government. We show you what you want to see so you stay happy. If I showed you my deepest feelings you'd probably call me weird or dare I say "gay". But those are just generic statements that people shout at each other to try to disguise feelings.
Or, that's who you really are. Cool beans.
Be who you are and shit. That's what everyone always tells me and then they shove magazines up my ass and tell me that I have to stay in dress code. So much for being who you are.
Sorry! I didn't make this to complain. I just, again, (always getting off task) wanted to introduce myself (my name is Caitlin by the way) and I wanted to say that if you'r having a crap day, that I'm here (what a consolation! *sarcasm) and that these are the wise words that always keep me going: This too (added: my future friends, maybe!) shall pass.
Oh, and I thought I could end each day on a quote (I know, I'm so original! *sarcasm, and I feel like I have to label my sarcasms because I'm pretty sure it doesn't always translate..)
Quote of Caitlin's Day: "To life remains an art which everyone must learn, and which no one can teach." -Havelock Ellis
Wow, that sounded perky.
Hello...
That sounded too deep. I feel like a guy going through puberty now. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
But I am a girl. A born and bred southern girl without an accent (think Ohio) and with an education that beats up on the standard because my parents put careers over kids and had us late (late thirties early forties).
... And I kind of feel like putting a long introductory paragraph here where I highlight my most traditional and heart felt beliefs, but being an educated teenage girl, I think that would be too dramatic and would reveal things about myself that I'm not comfortable "revealing" just yet.
So, let's start small. With introductions, I mean. We can work our way up, and then eventually, maybe, I'll even consider us friends.
Maybe. I'm hard to please on that front, unfortunately for me. Awkward and hard to please. And that is not a good combination in high school, let me tell you.
But that's not small! That's... not small at all. Well, I guess you couldn't really leave out the adjective "awkward" when describing most normal teenage girls (aka not MTV made hormonal preggers).
But moving on with the show! That's probably what your thinking.
I guess I could tell you my age? That's pretty small. It's a number I'm stuck with; one that you're stuck with too, so don't be snobby about it when I tell it to you.
I'm fifteen.
Yes, fifteen.
Well into my teenage years (somewhat), but also I have a lot left to discover (in some form or another). And I want to document those discoveries. I know that it maybe unimportant (most likely) and that if I ever run for president this blog will come back to bite me in the ass.
But I just wanted to let you know, you reader, yes YOU (well not you... but... yes you! *lame attempt at a joke over*) that I'm here.You don't have to care, or read on, but I wish you would.
Because the first thing I want to talk about besides introductions is how shitty it is sometime. I'm not just complaining as a lazy teenage girl, but seriously.
Life can be shitty.
It's just a fact.
For anyone, let me try to list everyone here, babies, toddlers, tweens, teens, young adults, middle-aged adults, older adults, and just plain old people. And remember that despite the appearance of those younger or older than you, everyone is just a shell. Most of the time, we emulate the government. We show you what you want to see so you stay happy. If I showed you my deepest feelings you'd probably call me weird or dare I say "gay". But those are just generic statements that people shout at each other to try to disguise feelings.
Or, that's who you really are. Cool beans.
Be who you are and shit. That's what everyone always tells me and then they shove magazines up my ass and tell me that I have to stay in dress code. So much for being who you are.
Sorry! I didn't make this to complain. I just, again, (always getting off task) wanted to introduce myself (my name is Caitlin by the way) and I wanted to say that if you'r having a crap day, that I'm here (what a consolation! *sarcasm) and that these are the wise words that always keep me going: This too (added: my future friends, maybe!) shall pass.
Oh, and I thought I could end each day on a quote (I know, I'm so original! *sarcasm, and I feel like I have to label my sarcasms because I'm pretty sure it doesn't always translate..)
Quote of Caitlin's Day: "To life remains an art which everyone must learn, and which no one can teach." -Havelock Ellis
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